I HATE MYSELF

I hate myself today. I received a piece of heartbreaking news where my name is not included. Again, I am not included?

What did I do wrong? How did I fuck that up? Why did they not accept or include me? Was I too confident that I was humbled? Am I being punished? For what?
FUCK!

What now?

Recently I've been reading a book about "not giving a fuck".  The book says that we should choose what or who we give a fuck too.

My dream is to become a lawyer. I applied for Law School and did pass the exam but was not included in the interview. If I cannot pass this simple entrance exam to a law school, how can I even reach that dream? Now tell me, should I give a fuck or not?

I did my best. I believe I did my best but was I too arrogant? I hate myself for not passing. For being a failure. I HATE MYSELF. I am ANGRY about everything. But I try to comfort myself. Coz no one will.

The ONE Rule

Everyday we meet different people but not everyday that we meet special people, people who will make sense in our life, someone who will be the reason why we wake up. Or why the sun rises. Who says the world is big enough for two people living in different spaces to meet, to be friends and to love each other. But fate is too complex too simplify such phenomena.

May be three weeks before today I met a broken man, someone who is bastard enough to ruin his life for a girl he loves. Someone who thinks of killing himself for one girl, for one reason, for that one broken love. It doesn't matter how we met, it doesn't matter how we found each other. The only thing that matters is that the two of us became friends, the two of us became one, not physically but somehow deeper.

We were united like a single force that can conquer anything that we want. The unity of the I and the YOU. The WE  that can make everything possible as long as that WE are together, where that one piece/person is always there for the other.  We are totally different, I know that, from our childhood and our ideals, yet we enjoy the company of each other.  He is the BULLY and I am the BULLIED. He is my knight and I’m his princess (funny though it’s true).

WE are carefree. We can do anything we want with each other EXCEPT for this one single rule. The rule that as far as I know from my past experience has always been broken by people, has always been overruled by that single concept. Some people I know who broke this rule became happy while others were not lucky enough. The rule is “DO NOT FALL FOR ME”. Any violation in this rule is a sin. I don’t know with whom, maybe to both of us or to the commitment itself. 

GUGMANG GIATAY

I found this document in my archives. Gugmang giatay I think is a bicol or visayan song and I had my friend translate it. lol

Kung ikaw masayud Paminawon mo –kung alam mo pakinggan mo
Kay kung pananglit Lang iran mo – kung sakaling baliwalain mo
Mga panun-paw pasalig ko – mga pangako at pagtitiwala ko
Kung ugaling kalit kang mubiya – kung sakaling iiwana mo ko bigla
Di ko kapugngan akong mga luha – di ko mapipigilan ang pagtulo ng aking mga luha
Kay ikaw akong himaya – dahil ikaw ang aking ligaya
Handumon ko matag karun ug unya – lagi kitang maaalala kahapon,ngayon at bukas/magpakailanman
Ikaw ang langit ug yuta ako pinangga ahhh –dahil ikaw ang langit at lupa aking minamahal
Ulaaaaaann. aahhhh
Unya mihabol ang ka ngitngit – magtatakipsilim na
Na giduyugan sa ulan –na sinabayan pa ng malakas ng ulan
Ug sa kalit lang nahanaw – sa paglubog ng araw
Ang bidlisiw sa adlaw –nakikita ko ang liwanag ng iyong mukha
Chorus
Oh kahayag sa imong panagway – o kay liwanag ng iyong mukha
Alaot Nga naulipon sa gugmang giatay – kawawang nabiktima ng pesteng pag ibig
Inday paminawa kabos kong gugma – pakinggan mo ang tunay kong pagmamahal
Nga animo akong igasa – na nilalaan ko para sayo
Dili ko man ma hatag ang tanan ang bahandi – di ko man maibigay lahat ng bagay
Ning kalibutan apan inday unya intawon –dito sa mundo

Hinaot na naulipon sa gugmang giatay

Ohhhh ....

SUMPAAN NI PSST AT HOY

1. Kung tayo talaga. Tayo talaga. Time ang magdedesisyon dun.
2. Be responsible in your decisions.
3. Isipin mo kung masaya ka sa mga ginagawa mo.
4. Walang iwanan kahit magkaroon ng ibang mahal.
5. Mas mahalaga ang Bestfriend kesa Girlfriend.
6. Walang sekreto/lihiman.Magsabi “lagi” ng nararamdaman (kung nagtatampo, naiinis, etc)
7. Palagi maging masaya.
8. Wag patagalin ang tampuhan, kelangan maresolba sa loob ng isag araw.
9. Ang akin ay sa iyo, ang sa iyo ay akin.
10. RESPECT.

Ito ang mga sinumpaang patakaran ni psst at hoy . Sinumang lumabag sa sumpaan ay “MAHIYA NAMAN”.  Ang huli sa kwento, pareho silang nagkahiyaan. 

Dear You ,

This will be my last letter to the hopes of us being together. It occurred to me that you are not coming back, and I should move on with my life.  In the past I have come to think that you will never love anyone truly the way I loved you, but that would be unfair. Because everyone is entitled to love someone, maybe yours is not just for me. Who knows the next person you meet will be the one you’ll love without any shadow of doubt, walk with to the altar with and live that story everyone desires, a happy ever after.

I learned that it is harder to let go of someone I never had than someone who offered his life for me.  Maybe because I will always wonder what if it worked out between us or maybe because of my beaten up pride and the fact that someone turned me down.  But I’ve come to think of things lately, life doesn’t end there. I am bigger than that.  Love and frustrations are not the only ingredients in life. My life has not ended because someone broke my heart.  No one will be there to pick me up so I need to do it alone. And I did. It was not that easy though.

During those times between you and now, I did a lot of things, meet a lot of people who will flirt with everyone else, who doesn’t even know what he is looking for and never seem satisfied, but he did just fine. You know what now that I’m thinking of it, he seems to reflect you.  He did have a cute smile like yours. His voice has the same rhythm and cadence as yours; I’ve come to memorize even his face expressions just like yours.  I almost loved him with every fiber I had, hoped to wake up one day beside him. Exactly the same expectations I had for you. I saw you in him. I let that obsession and frustration consume me. And we both learned something, he is moving on the same way I am, and it will just hurt us more. It really hurts to love someone who doesn’t love us back. And that is where we stopped being “in love”.  I found my breaking point to realize that enough is enough, because what I saw in him is just a memory of that person who I loved before, you.

But you know what, I will never regret the memories, lessons and ache you have caused me.  I am much stronger now, and certain of myself. The things I had felt for you is just temporary, it may have lasted for more than a year but nothing permanent.  I found a reason to move on, happiness. Life doesn’t end upon the realization that you don’t love me, ‘cause you not loving me doesn’t mean I’m not loved by everyone else. Thanks for making me realize that love and happiness are not easily gained. That love comes from within first before anyone else, and I’m glad I learned that by myself.

Getting over you, is like a blindfold removed, I see things clearer now all the love and appreciation I did have the whole time which I am thankful  for. I did heal my heart from the memory you gave me and I will never be afraid to love again, and again and again until the right one comes. I know someday God will reward me with someone who will love me back with every ounce of my affection for him, that supreme feeling of ecstasy I can fathom. And I also hope that someday you will. 

We were never boyfriend and girlfriend; at least I know we never referred to each other as such. But I know we did share a strong bond. Well, it has been a long journey and I have become the better for it. I will always smile because you happened in my life.

So to you that my heart loved and loved to love, I wish you all happiness in the world. May she, whoever she will be, treat you well.  Someday I will be able to look at you in the eye, maybe even give you a peck on the cheek and smile.  May life always treat you kindly and fairly and may love never escape you. I wish you all the happiness and that you will never cry unless its tears of joy and not from a broken heart. And as I end this letter, I also put a stop to what you and I were. Till we meet again.

This is just me.

- just some fancy letter written 3 years ago recently found. :)

the silent hour

Silence.

It is the best word that describes now. 

The most exact situation I wanted to have.

Silence means peace. No noise from the TV, no chatters, no frogs croaking, the rain had stopped. It is only me. The sound I create is the only sound I can here.

Alone in silence.

Away from people. 

In solitude.

It has been a while when I was like this feeling. I don’t even feel this kind of solitude when I’m in my room. For it has become my comfort zone. Now I’m in my new room alone. 

Afraid? No. 

Melancholic? A little. 

Happy? Not much.

I just miss someone. Some people in my life I used to have and be with. The old people I knew. All of them I miss. I miss the old me. The old friends. The old stuff that makes me smile even with their little acts and thoughts. Not the new one. Not those that are always with me but I cannot have. Those who continue to make me laugh but cannot make me smile. Those who I please to exist.

Silence. It’s the only time I can be peaceful. It’s the time I can think deeper. It’s the time I can contemplate on things. Look into them in a clearer and better manner.

Achievements doesn't define happiness. It sure makes us and the people around us happy but it is not everything that we should be looking for.

#randomthought